The Garden of Eden

Here's my take on the Garden of Eden story; namely, that Adam was too pussy to eat the apple, when it was just him and God it was all "Yessir, won't touch the fruit of good and evil, no knowledge for me, Lord," and when it was him and Eve and God it became "Nossir, won't let her touch it either, yessir, I'll keep an eye on her, can't leave women alone, never know what they'll get up to." So when it was Eve alone plus the snake she bit into it, and actually it was a fig, not an apple, so you can't blame her, figs are pretty damn delicious, especially when they flush a dark purple with ruby red labia meal on the inside, and because Adam hadn't the curiosity to try it, nor the balls, she offered it up, pushed it in his mouth. "Damn girl that's good," he said. And so when it was gone they sewed fig leaves up and put them on their bodies, to remind them of it, and Adam thought, "Damn Eve never looked so good, leaves flowering all over, like she might sprout some figs." So he licked her breasts and then God came along and said What are you doing and Adam said "Nothing" and God left and then Adam licked her lower and God said What the hell are you doing and Adam said "Eating a fig" and God grew angry and threw them out and the fig leaves wilted so they had to grab some animal skins, which didn't smell half as nice. All this for eating a fig.

Men haven't changed much these days, they're just as scared to try anything themselves, but Lord, how I do wish for a fig (or two) these days.