1: My dating theory was always to see how their exes treated them. If their exes hated them, that was a red flag, because that meant there was something wrong about them, in the way they had treated them.
2: And did it work out?
1: No, because if they were really nice and got along well, I was always worried that they'd fall back in love or something.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
My Own Me Talk Pretty One Day
(It seems like my posts are getting more and more personal. Not sure if I like it.)
Growing up, my mom was addicted to Focus of the Family, the American version and the Chinese version. I got to listen to tapes about how I would become a sex-addled, surly teen. I read Dr. James Dobson's newsletters half in disgust and half in fascination (I still read extremely conservative texts for some sort of sick thrill). But what I hated most, was everyday the Chinese radio. I hated being Chinese when I was young; it made me lacking; it was the source of a myriad of problems; in my mind it gave my parents open excuses to do what they did.
But there was one broadcast once, and even though I will never remember the name of the speaker I still think of him from time to time. He talked about being second generation Chinese and being young and impressionable I was so touched about how much his life was like mine. But the thing that really got me is, besides his laugh (it sounded too much like my own father's), he sounded completely American. I guess the more specific term would be "completely white." You would never know listening to him that he had any non-white blood in him. And I knew that I wanted to be like that someday.
Looking back, how fucked up is that? Really fucked up, in a number of ways. I can count things from "cultural brainwashing" to the "oppression of the majority" to the psychology of why I hate my own race, etc.
I've been told on the phone that "I don't sound Asian." What does that even mean? How does someone "sound" Asian? A Chinese accent? In Britain it is even more apparent. When I start speaking people are surprised that I am so "very American." When they ask me where I'm from and I answer, they readily admit that they expected China, Japan, and (weirdly?) South Korea.
There was something this speaker did in the broadcast that was completely endearing. He was listing what he felt were his shortcomings when he was young. One of them was "My eyes get smaller when I laugh" and then he laughed right after, an adorable, charming laugh. In a society that asks stupid questions like "Can you see when you smile?" it was laugh that made you forget to think about what his face did.
I really have no idea where this post is going. I'm also suffering from either a cold or fever.
Growing up, my mom was addicted to Focus of the Family, the American version and the Chinese version. I got to listen to tapes about how I would become a sex-addled, surly teen. I read Dr. James Dobson's newsletters half in disgust and half in fascination (I still read extremely conservative texts for some sort of sick thrill). But what I hated most, was everyday the Chinese radio. I hated being Chinese when I was young; it made me lacking; it was the source of a myriad of problems; in my mind it gave my parents open excuses to do what they did.
But there was one broadcast once, and even though I will never remember the name of the speaker I still think of him from time to time. He talked about being second generation Chinese and being young and impressionable I was so touched about how much his life was like mine. But the thing that really got me is, besides his laugh (it sounded too much like my own father's), he sounded completely American. I guess the more specific term would be "completely white." You would never know listening to him that he had any non-white blood in him. And I knew that I wanted to be like that someday.
Looking back, how fucked up is that? Really fucked up, in a number of ways. I can count things from "cultural brainwashing" to the "oppression of the majority" to the psychology of why I hate my own race, etc.
I've been told on the phone that "I don't sound Asian." What does that even mean? How does someone "sound" Asian? A Chinese accent? In Britain it is even more apparent. When I start speaking people are surprised that I am so "very American." When they ask me where I'm from and I answer, they readily admit that they expected China, Japan, and (weirdly?) South Korea.
There was something this speaker did in the broadcast that was completely endearing. He was listing what he felt were his shortcomings when he was young. One of them was "My eyes get smaller when I laugh" and then he laughed right after, an adorable, charming laugh. In a society that asks stupid questions like "Can you see when you smile?" it was laugh that made you forget to think about what his face did.
I really have no idea where this post is going. I'm also suffering from either a cold or fever.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Dream
I had a dream I had a blind brother, another one, younger than Jonathan, my youngest and only brother. My parents were going through some re-invention phase, and they only gave him a Chinese name, so we had to name him ourselves, the sibs. We had a hard time because nothing sounded good with "Wang." It was like everything that would work with Wang was already taken by us: Elaine, Joanne, Tiffany, and Jonathan. Our top two choices were Tyler and Taylor. He hated Tyler, so Taylor Wang it was. It wasn't until halfway through the dream that we realized he was blind, and it was someone else that pointed it out to us. They hinted at it, asked isn't he blind? And then I realized that he couldn't see (Or was it that the dream changed so that he couldn't see?), and I did tests to see if his pupils moved.
I remember feeling - not shocked, but more of a resignation. It was like my child, my mother barely showed up in the dream. It was just us kids. I remember carrying him under his arms. He was chubbier than all of us.
I remember feeling - not shocked, but more of a resignation. It was like my child, my mother barely showed up in the dream. It was just us kids. I remember carrying him under his arms. He was chubbier than all of us.
Graduation
Somehow, inadvertently, I ended up graduation from high school. It was a waste of time and money - $45 for a gown that they made college students only pay $20 for when it was their graduation. All crooks, Jostens were.
On the day of we had to arrive early to practice walking up to and across the stage. You didn't have to attend graduation, you could opt out like my boyfriend did, vacationing in Alaska instead.
The entirety of graduation I say, bored and unhappy. My father, in the audience, looked equally unhappy. I don't blame him. It was boring as balls. Everyone made speeches, meaningless speeches. The class president made a speech as fake as his heterosexuality. The principal made a speech. The valedictorian made a speech (I was in it). The band played. I had been in that band for three years, but no one cared about me in there now. The choir sang. Mrs. Arvin called my name and I walked across, shook hands, grabbed my diploma holder, got my picture taken. You didn't get your diploma until after - they withheld it, even at graduation, to make sure you behaved through the whole thing.
// done in Contemp. Drama
On the day of we had to arrive early to practice walking up to and across the stage. You didn't have to attend graduation, you could opt out like my boyfriend did, vacationing in Alaska instead.
The entirety of graduation I say, bored and unhappy. My father, in the audience, looked equally unhappy. I don't blame him. It was boring as balls. Everyone made speeches, meaningless speeches. The class president made a speech as fake as his heterosexuality. The principal made a speech. The valedictorian made a speech (I was in it). The band played. I had been in that band for three years, but no one cared about me in there now. The choir sang. Mrs. Arvin called my name and I walked across, shook hands, grabbed my diploma holder, got my picture taken. You didn't get your diploma until after - they withheld it, even at graduation, to make sure you behaved through the whole thing.
// done in Contemp. Drama
Sunday, October 12, 2008
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