My Own Me Talk Pretty One Day

(It seems like my posts are getting more and more personal. Not sure if I like it.)

Growing up, my mom was addicted to Focus of the Family, the American version and the Chinese version. I got to listen to tapes about how I would become a sex-addled, surly teen. I read Dr. James Dobson's newsletters half in disgust and half in fascination (I still read extremely conservative texts for some sort of sick thrill). But what I hated most, was everyday the Chinese radio. I hated being Chinese when I was young; it made me lacking; it was the source of a myriad of problems; in my mind it gave my parents open excuses to do what they did.

But there was one broadcast once, and even though I will never remember the name of the speaker I still think of him from time to time. He talked about being second generation Chinese and being young and impressionable I was so touched about how much his life was like mine. But the thing that really got me is, besides his laugh (it sounded too much like my own father's), he sounded completely American. I guess the more specific term would be "completely white." You would never know listening to him that he had any non-white blood in him. And I knew that I wanted to be like that someday.

Looking back, how fucked up is that? Really fucked up, in a number of ways. I can count things from "cultural brainwashing" to the "oppression of the majority" to the psychology of why I hate my own race, etc.

I've been told on the phone that "I don't sound Asian." What does that even mean? How does someone "sound" Asian? A Chinese accent? In Britain it is even more apparent. When I start speaking people are surprised that I am so "very American." When they ask me where I'm from and I answer, they readily admit that they expected China, Japan, and (weirdly?) South Korea.

There was something this speaker did in the broadcast that was completely endearing. He was listing what he felt were his shortcomings when he was young. One of them was "My eyes get smaller when I laugh" and then he laughed right after, an adorable, charming laugh. In a society that asks stupid questions like "Can you see when you smile?" it was laugh that made you forget to think about what his face did.

I really have no idea where this post is going. I'm also suffering from either a cold or fever.